GOLD is Made With Sweat and Tears

As a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grow up I have no recollection as to what my answer was. I do, however, remember that a deep rooted love for children started very early. I remember loving to play house and always wanting to play the role of the mother. I thoroughly enjoyed babysitting, working in the nursery, and helping with children’s church and was willing to babysit some of the worst kids that no one else wanted to; why, because I loved it. My parents on more than one occasion commented on my patience with children and I honestly thought nothing of it.

As my senior year of high school approached I had NO IDEA what I wanted to with my career or how I wanted to make money for the rest of my life. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to be a mom. More than anything I wanted to get married and start a family; a family with 4 kids and 2 dogs. My lifelong dream is surrounded around the idea of children and family; all the other stuff is icing on the cake.

We’ve been married for almost 3 years and for 6 months we have tracked my cycles in hopes of being blessed with a baby. For 6 months we’ve tested for ovulation to better our chances, I’ve taken prenatal vitamins to prepare my body, and everyone we know has been praying over my womb.

2 weeks ago I got a God given reality check: no matter what we do or what I prepare for if God does not will it, it will not happen. After a visit to my gynecologist and numerous phone calls between us, I learned NOT ovulating is NOT normal. My biggest and longest lasting fear smacked me in the face full force; I may not be able to get pregnant.

As with my mom, I suffer from endometriosis. In her case having children was not a problem; obviously, I’m the youngest of 3 and we all came one right after the other. I, on the other hand, may have to take the long and hard endometriosis road, the road that is laden with fertility tests, drugs, and surgeries.

Immediately bitterness set in. Here I am young, willing, and begging for a child only to be told not… right… now. Never in my life have I ever been refined by God’s fire (1Peter 1:6-9) so strongly, never have I been asked to trust more, never have I required so much God given patience just to make it through one more month of excruciating and debilitating cramps, and never have I prayed so hard and relied so much on my Lord (Matthew 7:7-8).

My Father knows that my heart is broken; He feels my pain each month and cries with me. He hears my begging pleas everyday and sees my tears of despair every night. He knows my discouragement is great and can slowly see me being chipped away as His light seems to grow brighter from within me (Psalms 55). This is a lesson I wish upon no one but today, it’s a good day, I stand proud to learn it. My Savior knows not every day is a good day and that I’m not strong every day; however, He loves me and stands with me through it all (Philippians 4:6-8).

One day my dream will be fulfilled for it is a lifelong deep rooted desire of my heart (Psalms 37:3-6). I don’t know how and I have no clue when but I WILL be a mom one day!